Day VIII

So yesterday was a bust. I was pulling out of the driveway when I first felt the nail getting hammered into my eye. I tried to brush it off but by the time I pulled into work the nail had worked its way to my brain. Bad sign.

I lasted about two hours at the desk. After my second run to the bathroom thinking I was going to loose it, I decided to call it a day. I got home to find Husband curled up on the couch and Jack pounding the TV remote on his leg.

"I think I am dying,'' Husband declared.

"I am too,'' I said as I stretched out on the floor.

Husband never asked me why I was home at 10:15 in the morning. He knew.

Jack immediately squeeled in delight and toddled over to me to climb over my numb body.

"When is Nanny coming?" I whined.

"Not until 11:30,'' Husband mumbled.

"Can we call him to come now?" I pleaded as Jack stuck his finger up my nose.

"No."

With that, Jack scratched the inside of my nose so badly, it started to bleed. And it hurt a lot.

Real glad I went home to feel better.

After Nanny showed up Husband and I stumbled up the stairs to try to catch a nap -- to get back the sleep we have lost over the last five nights.

Jack refuses to sleep. Flat out. Tuesday night I saw the clock change on every hour. He's worse now than when we first brought him home.

We aren't bad parents (as much as this entry paints us to be) we are just insanely tired.

***

Last night Husband got called into work about 8 p.m. after he had just gotten home from work at 6:45 p.m. (He went in for a couple of hours after the nap.) Grrreat! I was feeling better after my afternoon snooze but I didn't know if I could handle trying to put the baby to bed by myself.

I fed Jack a bottle around 8:30. He fell asleep. I sat on the couch for nearly two hours in silence while he slept in my arms. I don't even know if I was breathing. Around 10:15 I decided he was deep enough asleep that I could put him down in his crib. I tip-toed upstairs, not even turning on the light. Slowly, I bent over the side rails of the bed and lowered him in ...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

He instantly popped up and started to cry. I calmly told him I loved him and it was time to go to sleep (like the books say), laid him back down, turned on his fan and walked out of the room shutting the door behind me. Maybe he'll fall asleep, I thought to myself.

At 10:40 p.m. when Husband tip-toed in from work (I had warned him about making a noise) he says to me, "I could hear him outside."

I wasn't surprised. The kid didn't let it go! Why couldn't he be like his cousins?! All the baby books say to let them cry it out and they will eventually fall asleep. Not my kid. He screams so loud Husband could hear him even though the bedroom window wasn't open!

So the two of us sat there in silence (besides Jack's wail in the background) trying to decide when we had tried long enough. Both of us covered in guilt.

"I just feel so bad for him,'' Husband says.
"Maybe we should get him,'' I say.
"No, no. Everyone says this day comes,'' he says.

Wait 30 seconds.

"He's probably so scared,'' I say.
"Yeah, maybe we should get him,'' he says.
"Well, let's wait three more minutes and then get him,'' I say.

Wait 30 seconds, repeat.

Then, suddenly, I couldn't hear him anymore. Had we won? Had he decided to sleep?!! Could this be the breakthrough we have been praying for?

"I don't hear him!" I say with joy.
"What?'' Husband panics. "That scares me. What if he fell out of the bed and hurt himself? I should go check on him!"

I was against it. I know my kid and I know the second the door knob jiggles he'll be wide-eyed and ready to get the hell out of his room. Husband went against me. He slowly walked up the stairs. I got a diaper and a bottle ready. Mother's intuition told me it was going to be another long night.

Door opened.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

Yup. I was right. I sighed and walked up the stairs. By this point Jack was hoarse. We felt terrible.

"You won't believe it,'' Husband says. "He was standing. He wasn't crying or anything. He was just standing there staring at the door -- waiting. I feel so bad! How do people do this?"

I didn't answer because I don't know. I just got fresh PJs and got ready to change the baby. I looked at Jack as his father held him. He turned to me and smiled. Then he put his head on Husband's shoulder as Daddy apologized over and over.