82

I am not protesting, I am just super-duper busy.

Quick update:
Jack is hilarious. He told me he plans to move to Chicago when he's "growed" up. However, he would like us to move there with him. Note to self: Remind him of this when he's 22.

Brennan ate chicken and loved it. He loves standing, wants to all the time and he's talking up a storm. Daaa-dddaaa.

81

Last night Jack and I were watching a show on Noggin where a little kid was talking to his grandmother. And Jack said to me, "I have three grandmas."

I agreed. And told him how lucky he was to have three grandmas who love him so much.

A little while passed.

"Mama, how come you don't have any grandmas?"

I really didn't know how to tackle this. He's only three and doesn't really get the concept of God or heaven and his only image of death was Spider-Man overcoming a bad guy.

The conversation went something like this...

"I do. I have two grandmas. They are in Heaven."

"In Heaven? Why don't we see them?"

"Because Heaven is a far away place that is magical and wonderful,'' I said. "They are there now together watching over us."

"Watching over us?" he asked. "I want to go to there.''

"Someday you'll go to Heaven and when you do, you can meet my grandmas,'' I said. I was kind of hoping this would end it. How do I explain death and life, heaven and hell to him without freaking him out? I am a little freaked out about the whole thing.

"I have a grandpa, he's Ga's Daddy,'' I said.

"I know Grandpa! He's my Grandpa too!" He acted so annoyed with me like obviously he knew he had a Grandpa. "He's got white hair."

Silence for a while. I was busy on my BlackBerry sneaking in work.

"What were your grandma's names?" he asked.

"My one grandma we called Nana. Her name was Rita and my other grandma was named Mary,'' he said.

"I have a grandma named Mary!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, you do. Isn't that great?"

He sat there for a minute, eyes back on the TV.

"I don't want to die,'' he said, eyes wide.

"Don't worry honey. You will be fine.''

"Why did your grandmas die? Were they bad guys?"

"Jack! That's silly. They weren't bad guys. My grandma was sick and it was her time to go to heaven so she could feel better,'' I explained.

He seemed to get it. I was impressed.

"And my Nana was older. And she was sad because she missed my Papa, and it was her time to go to heaven.''

"So she could feel better too?"

"Exactly.''

"I have a Papa too,'' he said. "Daddy's daddy is Papa. But sometimes I call him Grandpa Rex."

"That's right! Aren't we so lucky we have Papas?"

"But do your grandmas even know about me? Do they like me?"

"Jack, I know they love you so much. Because you know what's so great?! They are watching over us. So whenever you are scared, or sad, they will be there to help you."

"Can they talk to me?"

"No, they can't really talk to you but when you are sleeping in your big boy bed, they give you teeny-tiny kisses on your cheeks and hug you really tight so you won't have bad dreams.''

"Will they protect me from the scary tree out my window?"

"Of course! That's their job now. They protect you and Brennan and Freddie. That's because they love you so-so-so much and they want you to be happy."

"So... they are ghosts?"

"Well, kind of."

"I don't like ghosts. They're scary."

"They aren't mean ghosts, silly. They are ... angels. They are like your own special heroes that maybe you can't see or talk to but they are there, protecting you and making you happy.''

"I know Papa."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I have seen him in my room."

"That's great. I am sure they are all there."

"Mama, he has my eyes. He is in my room when I wake up from the scary tree."

This stopped me. I wasn't sure I heard him right.

"What?"

"The man in my room is the Papa. He has the same eyes as me."

Now, I know I search for signs. I like to think my deceased relatives are around leading, protecting, listening. It makes me feel better. It makes me miss them less. This to me sounded like confirmation.

Because the thing is... Jack has my eyes. I have my mom's eyes. My mom has my Papa's eyes. They are the Cleary eyes. It's our thing. The eyes. You can't miss them. When I was younger I hated them but now I embrace them because it's our thing. It's all about the eyes.

So many times I have watched Jack play, talk, think things through and I have thought he was so much like Papa. My dad and mom have both on separate occasions said he reminded them of Papa. And since he could talk I wished that Papa could have met him. Jack's vocabulary, his observations, his sentence structure amaze us everyday and I know my Papa in particular would have loved it. He would have challenged him; groomed him.

So, that made me really happy. Insanely happy.

I hugged Jack tight.

"Aren't we so lucky we have grandparents who take care of us, Jackie?"

He squeezed me tight right back.

80

Jack had a dental appointment today. You may have noticed his front tooth is cracked ... and I think it may be dying. We wanted to get it checked. Ga had been monitoring it since the crack but he wanted Jackie to go to a specialist.

For the last few weeks I have been talking to him about the visit so he wouldn't be surprised or scared. I even got him a book about going to the dentist.

So, last night I reminded him again.

"Jack! Guess where you get to go tomorrow?" It's all about the tone. I tried to act like it was the BEST-THING-EVER.

"What?!!"

"The dentist! Isn't that exciting?"

"Yippee!" (He actually says that now.) "Hey, do you think Ga will buy me a present?"

"Ga? No. Your not going to Ga. You're going to a new dentist who works just with kids."

"What? Why? I thought Ga did a good job!"

Hilarious. First of all, for weeks I had been telling him about going to a new, gril dentist. FOR WEEKS. It's obvious he had not heard me once. He's already learned to tune me out. Secondly, he thought I fired Ga. How he wraps around these concepts, I can't figure.

Then, two hands out, very serious face.

"Will she have the yucky green stuff?"

By this he's referring to the professional toothpaste my dad used to polish teeth. Jack hates it and tried to tell him about it. Since his last visit, my dad has stopped using this product. Jack gagged. He gagged a lot.

"I don't know, Jack.''

"You better tell Daddy. I don't use the yucky green stuff."

So the appointment went well.
Joe called me soon after and filled me in very briefly. The doctor is going to fix his tooth. That should be an interesting appointment. Joe will be taking him.

When I got home from work, I asked JTR how it went.

"Good,'' he said. "She was good.''

"Was she nice?"

"Yeah, she was nice."

"Were you a good boy?"

"Yeah, I was good,'' he said, growing angry I was taking him away from fixing stuff with his mini-Home Depot tool box. "I squirmed my head a little -- but not my body.''

"It happens,'' I said. "Was she pretty?"

"Yeah, she was pretty. She had gril hair,'' he said, pulling away from me. (He's into hairstyles lately.) "Can I go now? I have things to fix."

And that's all he had to say about that.

79

Happy Birthday (7 months) Brennan!
We love you!

This is just a glimance of his photo shoot today. (This was a B-list shot, if that tells you anything! Mother's Day gift, check!)

78

Last night when I was getting Jack ready for bed, he asked me when Daddy was coming up. I told him I didn't know.

"I really miss Daddy," he said.
"He's just downstairs. Now come on, brush your teeth," I was distracted -- and tired -- and I thought he was procrastinating.
"I really love Daddy. He's my favorite person."

That statement rang in my ears. It was sincere and true. He's 3 and not great at lying.

I gasped. Really loud. I know I did because by his reaction I know he immediately regretted saying it. I walked out the room and grabbed toilet paper. I could hear him sniffling, guilt at 3.

I asked him to brush his teeth again.
He got up without saying much, just sniffling. He went potty, brushed his teeth.

"Is this good, Mama?"
"Yes. Thanks."

I was stunned, to be honest.
But I don't know why. I mean, truthfully, Joe is more fun. He runs and plays. He wrestles and does "the claw." Everyone who meets him thinks he's a great guy. I have heard it from top to bottom, east to west. "That Joe is a great guy!" He's "Hey, Joe!"

I guess I thought my cuddle time and boo-boo kissing had earned me a higher rank.

"Can I play with your hair, Mama?"
"I don't think so, buddy."
"I'm sorry I said Daddy is my favorite,'' he whispered. "You're both my favorite."
"No, it's OK. If that's what you feel, that's what you feel. It just hurt."
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"You have to be careful about the things you say," I told him (from experience). "Wouldn't you be sad if I told you Brennan was my favorite?"
"Well, Brennan is your favorite,'' he said matter-of-factly.The room was dark so I couldn't see his expression but he sounded like he was 25 years old. So old, mature and slightly sad. It was something he must have decided a while ago. Brennan is Mama's favorite. Flat out.
"What?! That's not true."
"It's OK, Mama," he said patting my hair.
"Jack, he is not my favorite. You are both my favorites. You are my special boys."

But he seemed to shrug me off. He really didn't believe me. And it was crushing. I thought about explaining they were at different stages; Brennan needed more from me now but it just seemed moot. Nothing could fix that feeling for him. He'll likely feel it for the rest of his life no matter what I do.

Mothers crush just as easily as they put their kids back together. It's an awfully powerful, hard to manage trait.

77

(This is seven pictures in and my best option. He likes to make funny faces, scrunch his eyes or do a huge ridiculous smile.)

Jack-isms

"When I grow up, I am not going to work."

"Going to bed is not fun."

"It's OK, Mama. We can just clean it."

"I MISSED! Just a little bit."

"I don't like the 'Bama."
(This was said after I was on a week-long work trip in Alabama.)

"How about ... I have just two more bites and then I get ice cream!"

"My little cutie-atootie. Don't worry, Mama. I will fight the bad guys. No one will steal my baby."'
(This was out of nowhere. Not sure what he's worried about ...)

Me: "Jack, can you grab the baby wipes?"
Jack: "Well, Daddy's not doing anything. He could do it."

"This is my baby. Baby Rex. But you can call him Brennan."

"I'm a hero. I am your hero. Right, Mama?"

Jack:"Ga's ears are old."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Jack: "Ga's ears are old because sometimes he doesn't hear me."

"Stina! You can buy me a gift the next time I see you!"

"That's just kind of ridiculous, Mama!"
(This was after he saw the peach colored Easter Bunny taking pictures at the mall.)

Me: "It's time to turn off the TV."
Jack: "What? I only need five more shows!"

"Where are you going to sleep, Daddy?"
(After he and his brother took over our bed for the 10 days Joe was on the road, he wasn't ready to give his Daddy his place back.)

Jack:"Mama. Are the babies in your belly yet? Next time I want two babies. I want a boy and a gril. The boy will be Joe and the gril can be Mona."
Me: "Mona? Where did you come up with that?! What about Katie?"
Jack: "Well, that's just kind of ridiculous."