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Last night when I was getting Jack ready for bed, he asked me when Daddy was coming up. I told him I didn't know.

"I really miss Daddy," he said.
"He's just downstairs. Now come on, brush your teeth," I was distracted -- and tired -- and I thought he was procrastinating.
"I really love Daddy. He's my favorite person."

That statement rang in my ears. It was sincere and true. He's 3 and not great at lying.

I gasped. Really loud. I know I did because by his reaction I know he immediately regretted saying it. I walked out the room and grabbed toilet paper. I could hear him sniffling, guilt at 3.

I asked him to brush his teeth again.
He got up without saying much, just sniffling. He went potty, brushed his teeth.

"Is this good, Mama?"
"Yes. Thanks."

I was stunned, to be honest.
But I don't know why. I mean, truthfully, Joe is more fun. He runs and plays. He wrestles and does "the claw." Everyone who meets him thinks he's a great guy. I have heard it from top to bottom, east to west. "That Joe is a great guy!" He's "Hey, Joe!"

I guess I thought my cuddle time and boo-boo kissing had earned me a higher rank.

"Can I play with your hair, Mama?"
"I don't think so, buddy."
"I'm sorry I said Daddy is my favorite,'' he whispered. "You're both my favorite."
"No, it's OK. If that's what you feel, that's what you feel. It just hurt."
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"You have to be careful about the things you say," I told him (from experience). "Wouldn't you be sad if I told you Brennan was my favorite?"
"Well, Brennan is your favorite,'' he said matter-of-factly.The room was dark so I couldn't see his expression but he sounded like he was 25 years old. So old, mature and slightly sad. It was something he must have decided a while ago. Brennan is Mama's favorite. Flat out.
"What?! That's not true."
"It's OK, Mama," he said patting my hair.
"Jack, he is not my favorite. You are both my favorites. You are my special boys."

But he seemed to shrug me off. He really didn't believe me. And it was crushing. I thought about explaining they were at different stages; Brennan needed more from me now but it just seemed moot. Nothing could fix that feeling for him. He'll likely feel it for the rest of his life no matter what I do.

Mothers crush just as easily as they put their kids back together. It's an awfully powerful, hard to manage trait.