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It's the end of an era for me. I am for sure old. My doctor has told me I can no longer (like never, ever) drink Coca-Cola. No Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Caffeine Free, Cherry ... nada. He pretty much yelled at me for not taking better care of my kidneys. He actually raised his voice and said something like, "Do you not care about your kidneys?"

Basically, my Ks can't filter dark. Flat out. No CC, no coffee, no tea. No Guinness. (Thanks for pointing that out Dad.) I also get dehydrated very easily. I should be going at least 2 and half liters of #1 and I am barely pushing 1 liter. This stress on my kidneys is effecting all of my digestion which is why I feel like pooper a lot, have pretty constant pain, I am run down -- and constipated. (TMI?)

I sat on the edge of the examination table and just thought, damn it. What's next? I have given up everything that made me fun and young and reckless and stupid. Smoking? out. Drinking several nights a week? Out. Long nights and watching the sun rise? Yeah, right. And I am only 31. Seriously.

The waiting room at the urologist is always uplifting. I am the youngest person by at least 30 years and no one is happy. But what person with urological problems is happy? It totally bites. There's no way around it. My kidneys are not my friends. They really, really don't like me. And apparently, I have kicked the crap out of them for years. Perhaps drinking countless Cokes for like 15 years everyday was overboard. A smidge.

But some of my most peaceful "me time" moments involved a nice Coca-Cola. Driving to high school and planning my day (mostly how to get out freshman gym as a senior) -- stick shift in one hand, crisp CC in the other. Walking to class in college with frost on the top of each blade of grass, grumbling about the cold, Coke in left, cig in right. Remember when they were still in glass bottles? What was better than a freezing cold Coke out of a glass bottle while sitting around the kitchen table with family? The laughter and satisfaction still plays in my heart.

These are moments filed under "favorite."

Let's face it. Ice cold lemonade ain't going to cut it. Sprite is inconsistent. And water is ... well ... blah. I have always thrown daggers at people who gushed over water. Why have water if you can drink a nice, cold, deliciously crisp, deliciously bubbly Coca-Cola? America was built on Coca-Cola, people! It's fantastic and wonderful. It's the best. You are lying to me if you love water. YOU ARE LYING.

I am asking all of you to stop your flaunting. Put down that can of Coke and remember there are people out there who don't get to drink it. No, I am not talking about people in third world countries. I am talking about ME! Have some respect for my condition or at least have the courtesy to disguise yourself.

Coca-cola. Enjoy. Coca-cola. Sign of good taste. Coca-cola. There's just nothing better.